Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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