I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
