broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
