I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
