it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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