The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
