i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
