Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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