Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
