fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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