I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
