I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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