Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
