Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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