You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
