it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
