I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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