Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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