I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
