Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
