So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
