So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
