I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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