girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
