you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
