i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
