I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
