He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
