I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
