I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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