I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
