I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
