the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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