I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
