Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
