I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I die, sorry about rent.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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