Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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