her vagine was all disorganized.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
