its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think i have two assholes
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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