Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
