What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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