Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
