Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
