I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
