she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
