Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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