forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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