I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
