Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
