Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
