The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
